This last weekend I went to an SCA event. This in and of itself is not unusual. What was unusual is that it required me traveling alone to a region I had never been. For most people this is not remarkable, for me it is astounding. I am not an adventurer, at least not outside my kitchen. I love meeting new people, but I need to do so usually from a place of comfort and security. Something I have has precious little of in the past couple of years.
About 3 years ago my life shifted dramatically. I was betrayed at a visceral level and it had left deep wounds. Though those wounds are healing the scars are deep and red and angry still. I have been diagnosed with depression and ptsd, both I knew about going into therapy but now get to add anxiety and ocd to my list. These new two have made my life particularly hard but knowing they are there has made it easier to move on.
Anyway, I looked at the list of attendees and fretted, while there were many names I recognized as people I know, I did not know how people would treat me. I had been to event where people I had known quite well completely ignored me. This set up my anxiety to tell me to expect the same from those who knew me less well. I was comforted that 2 people who are family were making the trek from the US to be there. If all hell broke loose I knew they could help keep me together.
My ocd was piqued, I was cooking completely out of my element. A situation compounded by the fact that I was not allowed to actually cook the food, because I lacked a Bulgarian health certificate, and my translator did not receive her passport in time to come to the event. Side note, only 1 of the kitchen staff spoke any English.
My anxiety eased some when I arrived Wednesday night and was immediately welcomed in and made to feel wanted and not just a tag along to an already established group. As I met and greeted old friends I hadn’t seen in years, my anxiety began to rest and I settled into a comfortable place. Each new person I greeted made me feel more at home.
Cooking of course set off new anxieties. Those I mostly know how to handle and with a security blanket of friends and family I had the resources to tackle the challenges it provided. I had one moment where I could have broke down, one moment I could have lost it and in that moment I was rescued with kind words and a hug from a friend, and in that moment I knew what a true treasure I had in her. With that simple gesture I was able to take a deep breath and carry on.
The weekend turned out to be full of hugs and encouraging words. All the things my tired soul needed to be rejuvenated and encourage me to carry on. It was on my way to a friend’s house after my return flight home that I came to an astounding and humbling idea. There are those in our kingdom that are well traveled and well loved. I have seen them and am grateful to know some of them. I always envied them and their circle of friends. Their ability to go anywhere and have support and friendship waiting for them. I discovered, I am one of those people. It is a stunning revelation and it humbles me. I am grateful to all the people who look forward to seeing when my name is on a reservation list, no matter how long it’s been. Your support truly means the world to me.
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