Thursday, June 16, 2022

Processing CW: mental health!

 I am going to talk honestly here about my own mental health and feelings. 

Edit: I contemplated not posting this, But mental health is important

I am taking a moment to process some things in my life. I have come to a disturbing conclusion that I am not as young as I used to be, lol! How did that happen? Doing a 12+ hour day in a kitchen is just not possible for me anymore and it feels, wrong. I feel like this inability is letting people down and to a large degree letting myself down. I have always held myself to a higher standard and expectation than those around me. I would tell anyone else NOT to do it. Not even to try to do a full weekend (I know it is crazy to do it) but expect of myself that I can and should.

I live with several mental health diagnosis. They all suck and it boils down to an alphabet soup that I have just been learning to cope with. I choose not to seek medication unless absolutely necessary. That is a choice I make. I have been in therapy and learned many tools to deal with a good chunk of it. Once in a while though I find myself in a situation where the tools don't work, or where I am unaware that I need to be using certain tools. When this happens things can and will go... Sideways. I had an anxiety attack and upon evaluating the why I thought I knew. Then I was talking to someone else and the why became clear. Once the 'ping' went off in my brain I could see clearly and while this will definitely serve me for next time it does nothing to alleviate the feeling of 'broken' at the time. It is hard for me not to think of myself as broken and therefore, less, than those around me. I know we all have our individual struggles and I would never think of anyone else as less for them but somehow I am unable to apply that to me. I struggle with applying that same kindness, compassion and grace to myself. 

I struggle with imposter syndrome, with feelings like I am a burden to those around me, Feeling like a failure in many aspects of my life, I have time where I feel invisible and or overlooked because somehow, I am less. Less important, less noticeable, less worthy. If I go quiet, it is because I have fallen into one of these holes. Just give me time and I will get out, reaching out does not always help. At times it does, in other circumstances it will sink me further. If I am reaching out, grab me, as that is when I am usually in the deep end. If you can not grab me, be kind and possibly find someone who can. 

To those in my life that have rescued me, Thank you! I try to say it often but may miss it here and there.

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